I Have Become Accustomed To Rejection

Before you read this please know that I am not crazy. I’ve discussed the dire laundromat situation in the UP but I will recap. Once upon a time, there were three laundromats in a two-mile radius (the entire metro area) known as Mug O Mat, Rape O Mat and Murder O Mat. These laundromats had several things in common–they were filthy, the equipment was old and rusty and rarely worked, and they were scary. The Mug O Mat, which closed suddenly and without notice about 6 months ago, was pretty dirty but it wasn’t as bad as the other two. You got the sense you might get mugged there but could be generally confident that nothing worse would happen to you. The Rape O Mat, closer to campus, has no floor and creepy equipment and generally gives off the vibe that is only intriguing if you’re feeling a little rape-y and not in a fun way. Finally, the Murder O Mat is about a block away from my apartment. It’s filthy. Every surface is covered in crud. You could be mugged, raped or murdered–the mayhem trifecta. The bathroom, if you could call it that, fills me with a panic I can hardly describe. There are scary people there and sometimes people sleep inside (which is sad). There’a  one-eyed pan handler with a huge scar on his face and then there’s this TERRIFYING little person who’s about 5 feet tall, and he sags his jeans and wears “urban” clothing and he does this weird thug walk and his whole face is covered in a beard like a space creature and he wears a hat pulled down hard over his eyes and its weird because it’s like, a. do you know you’re white and b. where are your facial features? I saw him there about a week ago and I almost peed myself. I haven’t been back since. Terrifying. Anyway, when you go to the Murder O Mat, your clothes never smell clean and when I accidentally drop clothes on the floor, I have, in the past, quite literally considered how much I valued the item in question versus my health. Health always wins. I’ve edited my wardrobe considerably thanks to clumsiness.

I have a point here. The other day, I was driving and in the distance I saw a sign.

Hark! White bright light in the yonder distance there?

I slammed on the brakes. I’m lucky no one was behind me. I could hardly breathe, the moment was so fragile. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and when I opened them, the sign was still there. I immediately texted my bestie Joanna who is equally passionate about laundry facilities and by passionate I mean she has a laundry tote and uses multiple kinds of detergent. The next day, she went on a reconnaissance mission and reported back excellent news–the new laundromat was clean, functional, well-lit, open and modern.

Tonight, Joanna and I went on a laundry expedition and it was excellent. I did  not invite J because I didn’t want him to ruin the moment with commentary somehow implying that it’s crazy to be brought to tears over a nice laundromat.

The machines are HUGE and CLEAN and SHINY. You can use credit cards to pay for the laundry. The change machine? Works. The supply dispensary? Works. The laundry carts? Roll. The vending machines? Stocked in the last century. Also, there is wifi. I took about 100 pictures.

I was misty-eyed as I loaded my laundry into the washer. I placed each item of clothing into the washer gently, because I wanted the moment to last. Something special was happening. I did one of my signature dances. I was so happy. I washed all my clothes in this one machine. This laundromat was so clean that I also washed a very special secret blanket here, something I only normally do at my mother’s house but the blanket was getting cooties and I was getting desperate.

There’s more.

This vending machine works.

These dryers are huge. I dried all of my clothes in ONE. Also, they worked and didn’t burn my clothes. I was so excited about drying my clothes I literally threw the items into the dryer like it was a celebration. I got a little overeager. I accidentally dried an Under Armor shirt that can’t be dried. It would fit my unborn niece or nephew it’s so tiny now. Well worth the sacrifice, all told. In every battle, a soldier must fall.

These laundry carts do something amazing. They roll. They aren’t rusted and broken and horrifying.

This change machine does something incredible. It provides change when you insert bills.

See? If something is malfunctioning there’s a clearly indicated way in which to address the problem. What an innovative idea!

Look at how CLEAN the floor is!

At this point, I was delirious with joy and just taking pictures of everything. Also, the glass door was super flattering. I can’t lie. My forearms are pretty spectacular. There’s a little muscle situation there and everything. If only the rest of me would catch up.

This is one of two human-sized dryers. I think they could accommodate several people of average size. Here, Joanna is checking out the interior. We plan on making my baby brother get inside. We would like to dry him. I texted him enthusiastically about all the laundro-excitement. His response: : “Can’t wait for u to get out of there. Sad to hear u say that.”

AWESOME!

We’re making plans for our next visit and I’m actively looking for things that need to be washed. Dirty mouth? CLEAN IT UP. (That’s from an Orbitz gum commercial but it felt appropriate.)

Last but not least. There was a mutant pretzel in my bag of pretzels. I’m afraid to eat it.