I received a rejection from Hayden’s Ferry Review, a form, but please send more rejection for an essay I wrote about my first year as a college professor. Alas. I’m not going to dwell on this because we have a LOT to talk about.

I finished all three books in the Hunger Games trilogy, and then I read them twice more as a whole, and have been reading from the 2nd and 3rd books repeatedly over the past couple days. Best. Books. Ever. Team Peeta 4 LYF! If you don’t like Peeta, I’m sorry for you, I just am, because maybe your soul is damaged.

I loved this series and it’s one of the few cultural products SO many people LOVE where I FINALLY get the “fuss.” These are the literary equivalent of uncut cocaine from the heart of wherever the purest cocaine is made. The high of reading this trilogy is pure, unadulterated. It is so, so good. I basically want to swallow these books so I can keep them inside me forever. After I write this, I’m going to go read them again.

These books have several things going for them. I will try not to spoil anything for the first time in the history of this blog because these books are basically sacred texts. Respect.

First, they tell an interesting story that is compelling and fairly consistent across all three books. And the titles! So good! What an arc.

The society we know collapsed and a new society rose out of the ashes, divided into districts that have different responsibilities (farming, fishing, coal production, weapons, etc). Each year, the capital holds the Hunger Games to remind humanity of their failings and two tributes from each district (twelve in all), one boy and one girl under the age of eighteen, are sent to the games. Only one will survive. It’s a dark but endlessly interesting premise. This book also has interesting characters. The heroine, Katniss, is a sixteen year old and she is written like a sixteen year old. Yes, at times, she is wise and strong beyond her years, but that wisdom and strength is written believably given the circumstances Katniss faces in the books. This book also has really strong secondary characters like Peeta, the boy who loves Katniss to the end of time, and her best friend Gale. There is a love triangle between the three that’s at times a bit silly but largely adorable. The tributes each have mentors who help prepare them for the games, men and women who were once victors. Katniss’s mentor is Haymitch, an alcoholic who is clearly trying to deal with dark demons. There are other awesome secondary characters like Cinna. I love everything about these books. They’re also well written for popular fiction. I really can’t hate on the writing at all though, in the second and third books, some of the melodrama was a bit much. Like, okay, we get it, the girl is going through some things.

And Katniss. She is proud and strong and impetuous and immature and mature and unsure of herself and eminently confident in herself and I love the various contradictions as well as her innate goodness and fierceness. I never wanted to stop reading these books. I am so ready for the movie now. Are the other two books going to be made into movies? Could Hollywood hurry with that, plz?

I really just don’t care for Gale at all. I don’t know why but I basically hate his face.

I made you a venn diagram about Peeta, my main man. When he turns eighteen, it is on.

Yeah. Peeta. That’s what’s up.

I thought the second and third books were as strong as the first. I loved the ending which was complex but satisfying.

I’m fascinated by the naked violence and horror in these books which is fairly mild in the first book, but pretty intense in the second and third books. I’m fascinated because the book is so prude about sex. The Hunger Games trilogy reminds me that our culture is far more comfortable with violence than sex. Children murdering each other for sport? No problem. Teenage sex, NO WAY! Now, I know these are teenagers but they spend an excessive amount of time kissing, cuddling and JUST SLEEPING TOGETHER OKAY NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED!!!, to the point where I invented a drinking game. They were kissing because the writer wouldn’t let them bone. And look, if death is imminent and you’ve got a bunch of teenagers who are hot and physically fit hanging around each other, are you seriously telling me they aren’t having any sex? Please.

This also got me thinking about my novel. There is nothing in my novel that is darker or more violent than what takes place in these books. The violence just happens to be sexual in nature so somehow that is like… a thing. I have more thoughts on this but they’re still percolating.

—

Have I seen movies?

Yes.

I did see Dragon Tattoo but need to see it again before we talk about it. Hang tight for that. I have mixed feelings about the movie but the opening credits are fucking unreal and on the whole, the movie is quite good minus the irresponsible depictions of sexual violence, the inherent misogyny of the story, etc. The casting is… mostly perfection though I don’t know that Daniel Craig was… ideal. Also, Robin Wright can rock a Swedish accent like nobody’s business. I give Buttercup mad props.

—

On the drive to my parents, I watched Abduction, a “movie” that could charitably be described as “should have gone straight to video in the Walmart $5 DVD bin.”  The first problem with this movie is that it stars Teen Wolf, Taylor Lautner who, as we have discussed at length, cannot act, and is particularly unattractive. His looks are not his fault. Much of the problem involves the bones of his face and that’s genetic so his parents are to blame. At least in the Twilight movies, he occasionally removes his shirt and runs through the woods warmly bare-chested with his wolf heat and reminds us why we tolerate his presence on the screen. He does not reveal much of his physical charm in Abduction, save for a brief scene at the beginning of the movie that is so fleeting you don’t have enough time to really imagine doing things to his abdominal situation. It’s a crying shame.

When the movie opens, in a scene straight ouf of Death Proof, Teen Wolf is inexplicably sitting on the hood of a truck screeching like he’s having fun, urging his friend, who is driving to go faster, faster, faster. He lives on the edge, you see. He is a risk taker. They pull up to a party, you know, a typical movie teenage party, young pretty people milling about on the lawn, and Teen Wolf is ejected from the hood of the car onto the lawn. He and his two friends seem to be rather unpopular and unable to communicate effectively. They simply take a seat at a table in the middle of the party, and drink beer and talk nonsensically in a scene so pointless it really makes you think that crack must be freely available on the streets of Hollywood. Only a healthy crack addiction can explain why this movie exists.

At the end of the party, and really, we’ve seen this sad high school party a million times, only better, Teen Wolf gets into a scuffle with some guy and it’s certainly over a girl. Who knows what her name is? Who cares? This is a movie where there are like three recognizable people and they spend very little time on screen. The girl drags her boyfriend away and then we cut to the morning when a shirtless Teen Wolf is passed out on the lawn of the girl who threw the party. She tells him to get moving before her parents show up and he starts helping pick up trash until his dad picks him up.

Back at his house, Teen Wolf and his dad start sparring by their pool. There is no subtlety in the foreshadowing. The dad basically says, if you’re man enough to drink, you’re man enough to fight and as they spar, he randomly shouts idiotic motivationally masculine bullshit. The mother, the exquisite Maria Bello, stands by the window, watching her men fight, thinking, “I was in History of Violence, for fuck’s sake.” Then she breaks them up.

Stupid things happen. Teen Wolf goes to therapy and talks about some dream he keeps having and how out of place he feels in his life. Foreshadowing. HIs therapist is… please sit down for this, Sigourney Weaver. She is totally just collecting a paycheck here in that she recites her lines at the appropriate times but does so without even feigning a performance of any kind. It’s all good. Roles are scarce for women over 22.

Teen Wolf and the girl are paired together to work on a project for sociology class (???) so she comes over to his bedroom to “work.” We’re never quite sure what their topic is or the purpose of their paper but they do a lot of research on missing children. It’s at this point that I began laughing from deep in my soul because it was so absurd and I could totally see how the writer(s) of this movie tried to write their way out of the ridiculousness of desperately needing to make a movie, any movie, to capitalize on the fame of Taylor Lautner. While doing their “research” the girl (who is execrable in her role)  finds a website that shows how kids might look x number of years from the day they disappeared. Convenient. She and Teen Wolf start looking through the pictures saying that the updated images look like hybrids of famous people like Lady GaGa and Spiderman. Whatever, I can’t remember the pairings but they were fucking stupid. Suddenly, they look at a picture and it looks exactly like Teen Wolf! OMG!

His Spidey sense is tingling. All of a sudden, he starts having this fucking existential crisis. There’s a chat function on the website and he starts talking to someone pretending to be “Mallory,” but really it’s a bad guy with great computer equipment. Teen Wolf, though rather dim, manages to sense that they’re watching him through the camera on the APPLE COMPUTER OH HAI PRODUKT PLACEMENT so he shuts the computer and goes somewhere to brood. The next day or so, he is unwilling to let this go. He takes his sadly assembled evidence to the girl and explains how he just knows he’s the missing kid. Later, he confronts his mother who tearfully explains that yes, he is her son even if she isn’t his mother. He’s so confused! Poor wolf boy! He calls the girl and smugly informs her that he was right and she’s like, NO WAY, and he’s all WAY and she says, I AM COMING RIGHT OVER. As if she could do anything other than blow him.

Downstairs, there’s a knock on the door. Two authoritative looking fellows are at the door, looking for Teen Wolf. Maria Bello says he’s not around, etc. There’s a bit of gunfightery and fighting. Turns out, she’s kick ass but she dies. The father, who has been working in the garage, hears the scuffling, stumbles upon his dead wife, springs into action and starts getting in on the fight. Taylor comes downstairs and sees all hell, broken completely loose, and his father says, “Dude, get out of here,” so Teen Wolf gets on his motorcycle and speeds away. Suddenly, he remembers that his girl is waiting for him so he goes back to get her. One of the bad guys says there’s a bomb in the oven. Teen Wolf, wanting to be thorough, checks to see if he’s telling the truth. HE IS DUH! They run out of the house and into the pool as the house explodes.

The girl gets a tiny little cut on her arm but proceeds to act like she has a gangrenous limb and then totally underplays the moment by saying, “It hurts.” Teen Wolf, ever the hero, takes the girl to the hospital on his motorcycle. While she’s getting fixed up, he calls 911 only the CIA answers and Alfred Molina tells Teen Wolf two agents are coming to get him. The kid’s Spidey sense tingles again and he thinks, “Fuck this,” so he grabs the girl and is trying to find a way out of the hospital when suddenly, his therapist, Sigourney, RIPLEY, shows up, with a bouquet of balloons that she uses LOLOLOL as camoflauge to get them out of the hospital.

As they speed away, she starts talking really fast but saying nothing at all. The best line she offers basically goes, “You’ve known something was different about you for years. You just didn’t know what questions to ask.” She leaves him writhing in confusion, then tells him that in 15 seconds, he’s going to have to jump out of the speeding car, and down a ravine. She gives him an address and the names of the only two people he can trust, one of whom is the father he has never met, some guy named Martin.  She also says the only sane thing said in the movie–ditch the girl but no, Teen Wolf has to be a hero so they jump out of the car and head straight into a mind numbing hour of nonsense.

Blah blah blah chase shoot information dastardly cell phone stupidity sniper hamburger villain reveal blah blah blah Hollywood hates you.

At the end of the movie there’s a show down and for like the fifteenth time this year, a major sporting event is used as cover for shit to go down. We saw this in Drive and The Next Three Days among other movies. This plot device is officially tired. I won’t bore you with the end of the movie. It’s just ridiculous. I’m ashamed I watched this movie (maybe twice even) and spent a lot of time thinking about it.

—

I also saw Warrior. If you like the sound of man flesh beating sweatily against man flesh, this is totally the movie for you. I was gleeful. I could not get enough of this movie, especially the end with all the fight scenes. I think those ultimate fighter shorts are so sexy. Tom Hardy’s neck is massive and bulging it is not to be believed. He deserves kudos for whatever he did to make his neck like that. The strangest, most enjoyable part of this movie is that they set it up to seem like it is based on a true story but it’s totally not. I spent like an hour trying to Wikipedia the characters in the movie before I realized, DUMBASS IT IS A MOViE.

—

Young Adult is as good as the critics say if not better. I am impressed that Diablo Cody has such range. I have yet to see a project she’s involved with I don’t enjoy. What I loved most about Young Adult is that there is no character arc. Mavis doesn’t really learn anything. There is a moment when she is on the cusp of revelation but she pulls away from it and chooses to stay on the path of her deeply uncomfortable downward spiral. Charlize Theron really brings it to this movie and nearly every scene is so uncomfortable you will cringe. I spent a good portion of the movie, which I saw yesterday with my cousin, watching through my fingers, gasping, and holding my breath. So did my cousin. From one moment to the next I had no idea how much worse it could get for Mavis, but worse it did get. She was completely lacking in virtue and I love that. Sometimes people are terrible and really flawed and they don’t get better. They don’t learn the moral of the story or they don’t give a damn about the moral of the story. Also, Patton Oswalt was just wonderful. He consistently impresses me with his movie roles. Young Adult is a movie that speaks to the importance of good acting, good direction, good production, and most importantly an excellent script. I hope this movie gets some award recognition in coming months. It will be richly deserved.

—

Tom Cruise’s hair is doing very well these days. It is richly feathered, lustrous even, and of a nice length. I know this because I saw Mission Impossible 99: Ghost Protocol.  Cruise is such a curious little man. I find him most amusing when he’s in a star vehicle he is involved with at every level because these movies are such fine showcases for his vanity. It’s always great when a major movie star is open about how much he’d like his ego indulged.

Let’s take a look at Tom’s hair throughout the movie. In this first image, he has just escaped trouble but the front part of his hair is still nicely feathered and the hair over his left ear is a bit insouciant. Bravo, hair person. Bravo.

Tom is also not afraid to apply product and use a comb for special occasions. Look how his hair is angled with just a little body and enough gel to hold that shit in place debonairly. Exquisite. Again, are there hair Oscars? There should be.

Sometimes, though, Tom wants to protect his hair. He suggests a hoodie for such occasions. And still, you can see just enough bang to remind you that his hair is glorious.

Real talk though? Hail Xenu. This motherfucker does not age.

When this movie, which was enjoyable in the way stupid glossy explosion-y movies are enjoyable, opens, the gorgeous asshole from Lost, sexy ass Sawyer, is doing some spy stuff involving an exchange. As he makes his way down an alley with his briefcase, he is shot by a gamine young woman who looks French because she has bangs and that stunning French lady who drinks wine without staining her teeth look about her.

Meanwhile, Tom is hanging out in a Hungarian gulag, just chilling, throwing a rock against a wall at just the right angle and velocity such that the rock comes back to him. We don’t see his face but we do see his pale, delicately chiseled little arm and at this point, we’d know that arm anywhere, wouldn’t we? In some underground tunnel, his team is doing high tech spy super secret agent things and engaging in witty banter. Long story short, they break Tom out of the jail with one of the prisoners, an informant. The team, which is comprised of Simon Pegg (always funny) and Paula Patton (gorgeous, but goddamn, the woman cannot act), is then dispatched with Tom and his hair to Moscow. They have to break in to the Kremlin.

It’s so delightful when these movies rely on the silliness from previous installments. Tom dresses up (and my does he love to play dress up) as a Russian military person as does Simon Pegg and they use gadgetry and break into the Kremlin, OF COURSE, only to find that another criminal is there too. Zounds! As they escape the Kremlin, it blows up. OF COURSE!

Even though the Cold War is over, it is not really over. The IMF is disbanded and Tom and his little team are in trouble. Tom meets up with the head honcho and Jeremy Renner, an analyst, and they drive through some city and Tom learns about how he and his team are all that is left of the IMF. Tom gets a new mission, to go to Dubai and do something I can hardly remember because it’s just so silly. It involves nuclear weapons because that’s all these movies can think of as a credible global threat that requires drastic measures immediately. Conveniently enough, there’s also a train car filled with all the gadgetry and weaponry Tom will need to save the day. The head honcho is shot but Tom and Jeremy get away. They reconvene with Simon and Paula in the ultra modern, luxurious train car. They are TOTALLY going to Dubai for a little spy vacay. Banter, banter, gather weapons, banter.

Movie rule: any time a movie has scenes in the Middle East, and especially Dubai or Abu Dhabi you will see GENERIC SOUK SCENE where there’s some kind of fucking ancient bazaar in the middle of some of the most modern places in the world. Also, there will be dust because it’s the desert and nothing reminds us of the desert like dust. Got it? Good. There’s a souk in Dubai.

The team gathers at a gorgeous, gleaming tower that rises above the skyline of Dubai. They formulate a plan to get some codes. They start to make those fake face masks they seem to use in every Mission Impossible movie, or at least that last travesty only the machine breaks HA HA TWIST OKAY? Tom and his hair have to improvise.

Now, this is a little known fact but it is written into Tom’s contracts that he must be able to engage in mountain climbing whenever he acts in a Mission Impossible movie. As there are no mountains in downtown Dubai, Tom totally does the next best thing–mountain climb up a glass tower from like the 1 millionth floor to the 2 millionth floor, using magic sticky gloves. Swear to God. Before he can climb, though, they have to cut out the glass of the window, and defy physics when the wind doesn’t automatically suck all the people and contents of the room out. Tom changes into his climbing uniform–SPANDEX BABY! Then Tom daintily steps out onto a ledge and sticks himself to the building to begin his climb, while also displaying his little arm muscles.

PROOF THAT I SPEAK THE TRUTH:

They try to make this exceedingly drawn out scene dramatic by having the gloves malfunction, etc. He reaches his destination, then returns to the hotel room with whatever he was looking for. I’ll be honest. I mentally glossed over a great deal of this movie because it was a. long and b. dumb.

Paula Patton, hell bent on revenge because the hot French assassin with bangs killed her man sexy ass Sawyer, pretends to be the assassin and she meets with an arms dealer while Tom and Jeremy meet with the French assassin to buy information with diamonds. It’s all very convoluted. Things go awry. In fact, things go awry so often during this movie you can’t help but think, “These are the shittiest spies in the world.” The arms dealer gets away with nuclear codes. Tom goes on one of the more ridiculous chases you will ever see. It starts in cars and ends on foot. See, while Tom was mountain climbing the building (LOL WUT?), he donned a pair of goggles. On his way into the meeting, Jeremy elbows him because the goggles are like draped around his neck. Tom nestles them into his jacket pocket. (At the time, he is wearing a shiny suit that really highlights his ass.)

On the chase, there comes a time when Tom needs to run and his little legs move him at impressive speed. He pumps his arms like he’s in a track meet. He wants a baton in his hand. As he chases the bad guy, a dust storm comes upon them OF COURSE LOL OMFG! Suddenly, Tom remembers he has his goggles so he puts them on and then he’s all, fuck this dust storm. This dust storm is my bitch! He doesn’t catch the bad guy, though. The goggles do not contain magical properties and somehow, Tom does not learn to fly.

Paula Patton and Jeremy fight the French assassin later and eventually kick her out of the window from the 41st story and the assassin flies away like a bird until she doesn’t. Assassin fall go boom. Paula tries to act extra hard but fails.

Sidebar: I was going to write about Paula Patton and her acting after seeing Jumping the Broom because she was so tragic ((dry ass delivery, inability to emote, excessive face acting, no understanding of her body in scenes) but then I felt like, you know, cut the sister a break. She’s just trying to get her hustle on in Hollywood. I even had a moment as I thought about her “acting” in MI: 99 because hell, it’s wonderful for a black woman to have a role in a big budget movie like this. I also think that one of the reasons she’s so bad is that she has so few opportunities to really practice her craft. Still. Wow. The woman is fine as hell but her acting is terrible, black pass or not. (This is also why I did not write about Jumping the Broom which I saw, twice even. There were some great moments but holy hell, there were so many bad moments. We can do better! At some point, we’ll need to talk about the weaves in that movie. Honestly.)

I assembled the range of Patton’s face acting for you:

Back to the movie.

During all this excitement, a Russian cop is hell bent on catching Tom because he is convinced Tom is the devil. He’s probably not alone in that, but within the context of this movie, the cop is largely incorrect and plays the role of the irrationally obsessed and uber focused public servant. It’s a stupid subplot. Another stupid subplot is that Jeremy Renner was on the protection detail for Tom and his wife in Bosnia or something and she was murdered and he feels responsible. We’ll come back to this nonsense.

In the next stop on their world tour, the team goes to Mumbai by way of a sketchy arms dealer who is a friend of the guy Tom broke out of the Russian gulag. While in Mumbai, they take a fancy future car to some rich Indian guy’s party. It’s Paula’s job to serve as bait, of course, because she’s an attractive woman and the only thing an attractive woman can really do in an action movie is serve as bait, make herself vulnerable and always appear sexual. This is a movie rule. Do not try to contradict it unless you are like Angelina Jolie or Lara Croft. Yes, I’m mixing realities there. Anyway. The Indian guy is the game show host from Slumdog Millionaire, Anil Kapoor. He’s creepy and sleazy and starts liking Paula after Tom kisses her and she gets rough with Anil. They go to his room and blah blah blah, she overpowers him and gets whatever she wanted, something involving satellites.

The last real action scene in the movie takes place in one of those futuristic parking garages where the cars are delivered on like, car trays. It’s all very exciting watching a major battle take place in this futuristic scary garage.

One of my bucket list items, by the way, is to visit one of these garages in person and move some cars around. That seems like it will be fun. If you can make that happen, do let me know.

So. Tom and the bad guy fight fight fight, and the fight goes from ludicrous to preposterous to insane. At one point, Tom jumps from one level to another and I totally said, “Wheeee!”

Look:

Right? Right. Whee!

And of course, there’s a nuclear weapon hurtling through the sky toward the United States OMG CRISIS. As always. This also happens in every action movie. Tom saves the day and the rocket falls, dead, into the water. Again, like in every action movie.

The team reconvenes in Seattle or, what I can assure you is the fakest looking Seattle ever. Ving Rhames is there and you think, OH THERE HE IS! They’re at some fish market or something and Tom hands out iPhones and inspirational quotations for the team, sending them on their way.

As an aside, I don’t know that there has ever been a telephone more conducive to the movies than the iPhone 4. It just looks so goddamned good on screen. No matter how terrible the movie, you can trust that the iPhone 4 will look sleek and futuristic and sexy. That’s good design. Also, Apple’s marketing team is working overtime. Their products are in all the movies.

He and Jeremy have a heart to heart where Tom tells him, HA HA MY WIFE IS RLY ALIVE SUCKA! Then Jeremy goes on his way. At the end of the movie, Tom and his lustrous hair are leaning against a pole as his wife, chatting with friends, is about to head into a coffee shop (Seattle, obvi). Just before she enters, she senses his hair, being gently ruffled by the breeze, and turns. They make eye contact and stare at each other with love and closure and that’s… basically it.

Rejections this week, one from a publisher who loved the novel but had some concerns (which I understand) and another from a publisher, different book, a chapbook really, who said it was beautiful and touching and fierce but that the potency fades by the end of the book. What we can take from this is that publishers send mixed messages.

I also received a form rejection from Mayday for something I submitted in January, that I withdrew in September because it will be published in another magazine in 2012. Full circle! I smiled when I received this rejection because hey, a response!

Not to be outdone, I received a form rejection from Kenyon Review. Since they were terse with me, I shall be terse in discussing this rejection. Hmmph!

The first print run of my book ended up being defective, with some misprinted title pages. You can buy one of those copies for $3! Bargain!

New Yorkers! Once I figure out how to pay for it, I am reading in you at the Sunday Salon on May 20 and at the Center for Fiction on May 21. This is all very exciting, being invited to read in NYC. It feels very fancy.

No one would go seeTwilight with me, not even with the promise of [redacted] and the chandelier [redacted] upside down with baby oil while we [redacted]. I miss J. He went to everything I made him go to, with little complaint. I reciprocated with things like sports and so on and also I washed his work and hunting clothes and that is a BIG DEAL because they smell terrible and gross.

This is the dating rule: in exchange for seeing girl movies with me I will see one sport with you. If you like hockey, baseball, basketball, curling, and football, you get to choose one sport I will watch with you. I will not watch all eight of your favorite sports. There is not enough time. I will also watch UFC fights because GSP is hot and also the brutality is intriguing. But still, relationships are not a one way street. I recognize that.

I have written a personal ad:

Must be willing to see girl movies with me without sulking, sighing, slouching or complaining excessively. I am not asking you to emasculate yourself and pretend you want to see the new Kate Hudson flick but don’t make me feel like I am suggesting you barbecue your testicles either. In exchange, I will support whatever weird man things that interest you without complaining much. Also, I cook and [redacted]. If you are 30-45, we’ll work something out. Also, preferably you will not have a moustache because moustaches confuse me. This is not to say you are disqualified but, is your upper lip cold? Does your moustache make your face itchy? Do you groom it? Do you shampoo and condition it? I just have too many questions. Disclosure: I am weirdly controlling about where what goes in the refrigerator but other than that I can be trained to be less annoying. Anyway, e-mail me and let’s make this happen.

Let’s see what I catch with this oh so tempting net.

I have some pictures for you.

At this restaurant I go to fairly regularly, the tables are kind of interesting–old doors and in the hollows of the doors, old photographs and writing and other stuff. The other week, we sat at this table. I read the question, and thought, “Who hasn’t?”

Some friends and I went to a new Irish Pub in Champaign and I saw this sign and died laughing because, I mean, Est. 2011? Really?

I was in Champaign for a reading (yes, I spend most of my free time there). It was at the U of I art museum. On the main floor of the museum, I learned it was Tango Night, live music, people dancing, and it was so magical to walk by this room and hear the sounds of Argentinean tango, and to see people twirling across the dance floor. I love such moments.

I was in the union for a meeting and I took the stairs and came upon these two balloons! More magic! I love finding random things like this. And then, inexplicably, I started singing Katy Perry’s “Firework,” while thinking of American Beauty.

You know how they sell movies at the grocery store? I looked at this cover for Larry Crowne and had more questions than answers. For one, what the hell is going on with Julia’s hair? Also, how could this cover sell the movie? This movie cover is the pajama jeans of movie covers. It says, “We have given up.”
I went to my brother’s for Thanksgiving and took my friend L and he cooked us a truly outstanding meal. He likes to narrate and instruct as he cooks so that was a treat. Here is his mirepoix.

He made three turkeys. For five people, one of whom does not eat meat! The fryer, though, wouldn’t stay ignited. Pretty sure this turkey is still in the backyard.

My nephew said, “I bet I can play a song you won’t know.” I laughed, and shook my head. Kids underestimate adults all the time. I said, “I know all the songs. All of them.” He started scrolling through the music on the phone, trying to stump me. Then he started playing this song and I BUSTED OUT THE LYRICS! MOFO PLZ! It was the theme song for that one Baskin & Robbins commercial. I even chair danced. I love this song. We’ve talked about it before on this very blog. Pretty sure that kid thinks I’m fucking bad ass now.

I went to Whole Foods and was reminded how that store is wholly ridiculous.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

On Halloween weekend, we went to this bar (see: awkward encounter with drunk guys discussed in previous post). In the bathroom stall, which was strangely roomy, I looked up and saw this poster and died laughing because the dude was giving me a deep soul stare and I was not sober.

You know what this means!

I was undeterred, friends. I went, ALONE, and saw Twilight Three: A Gentle Parable About Virginity, Violent Sex and Nightmarish Apocalyptic Demon Babies. This movie was fucking awesome. It was so terrible it transcended its own terribleness and achieved a state of blissful filmic enlightenment. I have seen it twice. I will probably see it again this weekend. This movie is absolutely everything. Breaking Dawn is an urtext. This is a movie about which there should (and likely will) be scholarly work. I basically tingled from the opening credits until the end credits I sat through to see the little scene at the end.

I am not a Twihard. I started to read the first book but could not get through it because, on a fundamental level, I cannot read exceptionally bad writing. My brain refuses. The story is great. I am so down with the glorious ridiculousness of the Twilight story but how that story is conveyed is so deeply problematic. Sometimes, it felt like Meyers wasn’t even using English to write her book. I’m not going to hate on the franchise too much, though. The critical reaction to Twilight is a bit excessive. Given some of the terrible movies I’ve seen lately, Twilight 3 doesn’t begin to achieve an obnoxious level of offensive badness. Twilight is good terrible whereas Immortals, for example, is bad terrible. The books, also. We just all need to take a deep breath. Literature and film will go on. It’s all going to be fine. People spend more time focusing on what they know about the writer’s personal life than the books itself. She’s Mormon. So what? It’s a religion. Most people have one. Her books, though, shouldn’t be judged on the basis of her religion. That’s stupid and lazy.

(Worry not, I address the ridiculous conservative morality of the movie.)

The great thing about not being a Twihard is that from one movie to the next, I have no real idea what happens so it’s all very surprising and new to me. When the books were at the height of their popularity, I read the summaries on WIkipedia so I could be caught up on the basic premise and talk to people but beyond that, no clue.

The theater was basically full for a small town matinee at one in the afternoon. I was reminded that this franchise essentially gets to mint its own money. Note to self: come up with next money printing book idea. I feel like nymphomaniac mummies might be where it’s at.

Breaking Dawn opens with Jacob receiving a piece of paper he doesn’t like. That paper offends his mortal coil. He petulantly throws it to the ground and if you’ve seen the first two movies, you know exactly what happens next. He rips off his shirt, revealing his absolutely unreal chest situation, and runs into the woods to sulk like a lone teen wolf. If I could have, I would have run into the movie screen to chase after him.

RAWR!

I am not Team Edward but neither am I Team Jacob. Jacob is not attractive to me and also when he speaks he ruins everything because he can’t act and never comes off as anything put a spoiled wolf child.

In his wake, on the ground, in the rain, we see a wedding invitation.

OMG! EDWARD AND BELLA ARE GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE THEY ARE TRULUV4EVA!!!!

That body, though. If he and I were alone in a room I would get to know every pack on his chest, all 111 of them and I would treat them well. And his arms. Jesus Christ. BODY BY JAKE (HAHAHAHA). If you are old like me, you will get that reference.

Jailbait? Yes. But that’s grown man chest business. Grown. Man. Let’s just…admire his assets for a minute. We have time. (I cover his face with my thumb.)

Mmmm.

We see Bella’s mom smiling at the wedding invitation, telling her husband, “It’s really happening,” and her father is studying his invitation with the one facial expression he is allowed to use across all four Twilight movies–sullen, emotionally closed off, sort of bumbling but deeply devoted dad face. No one spends too much time on the fact that Bella is only 18! She cannot drink at her own wedding. This is a problem.

At the Cullen’s amazing, way-fancier-than-IKEA modern home, Bella is trying to walk in heels. This is one of the most believable moments of the movie because there’s a very thin line between Bella Swan and Kristen Stewart. Alice is fussing over the proceedings because she is, as you might expect, the wedding planner. When Bella looks up, she sees Edward, brooding on his balcony and somehow she doesn’t back out of the wedding even though her husband to be looks like he is sucking on a lemon.

This is a visual approximation of Edward’s face throughout the movie:

I do not get Edward as a romantic interest. I do not find him attractive. His chin is upsetting. His hair is thin and weird and not interesting though the franchise keeps trying to make his hair happen which is also upsetting. He’s such a cock blocker, always playing the prude and always worrying about “hurting” Bella, as if he cannot imagine that she might actually be strong OR a masochist who likes the hurt. I think she’s both. He’s the weak one, not Bella, and it’s so annoying that his bullshit is supposed to be romantic and heroic. It’s like, how many times can you ask her if she wants to change her mind? WTF? SHUT UP DUDE. ACCEPT HER VIRGIN LOVE! Ugh. Robert Pattinson is terrible casting and it upsets me to my deepest core that he is supposed to be the hottest vampire in the history of vampires. I’ve seen hotter. In Transylvania, Pattinson is just regular.

Bella goes home, per Alice’s orders, to get some “beauty sleep” and of course, Edward magically appears in her bedroom like the weird stalker creep he is. They have a moment completely lacking in chemistry but fine, whatever, I will suspend my disbelief and accept that they have a monumental love of a lifetime worth dying and then living forever for. Can you imagine, though, spending eternity with someone? I have had a pretty great relationship in my life but I still don’t want to have to put up with him for the next millenium. Five hundred years, maybe, but anything more than that seems excessive. Edward’s fake vampire brothers show up, and shout up to him that it’s time for his bachelor party. When Bella asks if there will be strippers, one of the brothers shouts, “Boring,” and Edward gives his thin-lipped creeper smile and says, “Maybe a mountain lion or bear,” because they’re going to hunt to celebrate his wedding. It’s a little (a lot) disturbing but maybe that’s just my hang up. I fucking hate that the Cullens are “good vampires” who only drink animal blood. That’s such a cop out. If you’re going to be a vampire, be a goddamned vampire and drink human blood is what I am saying. As he leaves, Edward says, “I’ll see you at the altar,” and Bella says, “I’ll be there, wearing white.” There’s so much puritanical subtext in this movie and also, it has to be said, a psychologist would have a field day with Stephenie Meyer. That woman is disturbed. My most deviant story does not come CLOSE to the level of fucked up shit in this movie but hey, I applaud Meyer for that commitment to darkness.

While she slumbers, Bella has a wedding jitters nightmare but it’s boring so I won’t tell you about it. The next morning, it is wedding time! Soon there will be sex! Back at the Cullen’s, where 77% of the movie will take place, Alice and Rosalie help Bella get pretty. Rosalie and Bella are totes BFFs now even though Rosalie still thinks Bella is an ingrate for willing to sacrifice life. Bella has a quality moment with her parents and then she prepares to greet the undead. The wedding is supposed to be “every girl’s fantasy wedding,” and I suppose it is if you like wood nymphs and rustic “there were flowers in her hair,” as the overall vibe. As she starts to walk down the aisle, she grips her father’s arm and does that patented Stewart face acting to convey anxiety about the things an 18-year old about to marry a very old vampire might be anxious about–death, eternity, subsisting on blood for all of said eternity–you know, the usual. As they walk down the aisle Bella says, “Don’t let me fall,” and her father says, “Never.” Touching family moment!

Edward gives his pointy chin creepy smile and the preacher is all, FUCK CEREMONY (kinda like this) and jumps immediately into the “will you take” blah blah blah, and they exchange their scripted vows and then kiss for an awkwardly long time with a montage of their greatest love moments while the audience smiles and the father shifts uncomfortably and the human HS BFF girl face acts her snarky, “I’m over this whole thing” attitude. I am pretty sure tongue was involved in the epic kiss and one of those tongues was cold which makes the entire affair rather unappealing if you dwell on it for too long.

During the reception, which lasts approx. two minutes, we meet some vampire “cousins” (OH HAI MIA MAESTRO FROM ALIAS) and it’s pretty absurd because we don’t know enough about who they are for their subtext-laden conversations to mean anything or, I suppose, those conversations meant nothing because I did not read the book. There’s champagne and lots of speeches from one of Edward’s brothers and Alice and the Cullen parents and Bella’s dad and there’s levity as Bella’s dad says, “I know Edward is going to be a good husband because I’m a cop. I can hunt,” and so on. Suddenly, Edward senses something with his Magic Vampire Powers and he tells Bella, “Another one of your presents is here,” and she acts all surprised. A present? Moi? You shouldn’t have, Eddie. They step away from the reception and behold! It is the lone wolf! Jacob appeareth from the dark shadows of the forest. He and Bella have a touching moment where we are reminded of a bond that has never truly been established in any convincing manner in any of the three movies but because they tell us it is so, we must believe it is so. That’s also how government works.

Edward lurks creepily and thanks Jacob for coming and then Jacob and Bella start slow dancing and it’s awkward because he’s so into her and she is not feeling him that way. He breaks into soliloquy and tells Bella, yet again, that he’s going to remember her the way she is in that moment with red cheeks and warm skin and a beating heart but because Lautner can’t act, it’s super uncomfortable and he sounds like a serial killer. Bella casually drops, “Oh by the by, I won’t be undead tomorrow,” and Jacob fucking FLIPS OUT and I’m all, WHAT IS GOING ON??? I seriously started feeling panicky because he was so intense. He was indignant as hell, telling her it was too dangerous and so on. He starts shaking Bella and Edward, of course, shows up like the stalker he is, and tells Jake to calm down. Some other wolves show up and the Alpha male, Sam, orders Jacob to back down. We learn something important though. Good news! Vampire sex is incredibly rough and violent and poor little Bella might not be able to take it.

I’ll be honest. This is when I started getting super interested in the movie. I was on the edge of my seat because we were about to venture into the territory of my very favorite things. The next two pictures adequately capture how I felt at this point and for the rest of this amazing movie.

(Hail Oprah!)

Jacob sulks off again. He spends most of his time and energy sulking and running shirtless through the woods so it’s nothing new. Bella says goodbye to her parents and then she is whisked off to a mystery location which is forecasted to us by the big Jesus statue looming over the horizon. You may recall: we’ve discussed this before. Any movie with any scene that takes place in Rio will involve the Christ the Redeemer statue. It is movie law. You will never, ever find a movie set in Rio without this statue. Ever. For serious. Write this down please.

The newlyweds drive through Rio with the most clichéd possible montage of Rio streets–brown people dancing and music and narrow streets and so on. They stop their car and get out at this alley where people are dancing and it’s not a night club or a cafe, it’s just an alley so maybe it’s a private party? Who knows. Edward and Bella, wholly entitled, simply join the party because they are so happy and in love!

Later, the newlyweds are at a dock. They get in a boat and Edward explains they are going to Isla Esme, a private island Carlisle bought for them (?!?!?!!!). I would totally marry one of the extra Cullens. I’m just saying, I could handle a private island.

I was so ready for prima nocta. After all the dry sexual tension of the first two movies, I wanted to see bodies bumping and nothing else would suffice. Edward showed Bella around one of the most gorgeous homes imaginable, perfectly decorated, and I quietly seethed. Vampires get everything! Then Edward suggested they go for a swim and I got even angrier. Let’s be real. All anyone wanted to see in this third movie was sex sanctified by marriage so the preamble was getting old. Frankly, the movie should have just started with boning. But fine, whatever. Tru luv waits. And waits. And waits. While Edward walked out on the beach, Bella went to “prepare” to be deflowered. It was actually a charming scene. She stared at herself in the mirror and looked through the suitcase Alice packed for her, conveying that she was scandalized at the “racy” lingerie choices. She shaved her legs and brushed her teeth. Finally, she walked out to the beach in a towel, let it fall, and slowly entered the water. The pale bodies of Edward and Bella were, I assure you, BRIGHTER THAN THE MOON. I was like, “Well, there’s a clear case for spray tan if I’ve ever seen one.”

The young lovers embrace and begin kissing and soon, they are in a gorgeous canopy bed and Edward is nervous and Bella is eye fucking him and her body is practically shouting, “NAIL ME ALREADY!” For the first time, you could see real chemistry between these two. I won’t lie. It was a sexy series of moments. You could hear everyone in the theater collectively hold their breath. Finally! We were going to get the vampire porn we’ve been waiting for! Edward kept on being weird and nervous and Bella seemed a little virgin nervous but mostly calm and confident. Finally, he manned up as best he could. Kiss kiss kiss and then we don’t SEE Tab A inserted into Slot B but you get the gist of the thing and Edward grabs on to the headboard to control himself and the muscles in his pale back flex sexily and he BREAKS THE HEADBOARD.

I truly did not think that little man had such a nice upper body but I stand corrected.

As I live and breathe, I almost passed out from excitement. The sex scene was hotter than I expected. He broke. the. headboard. WANT!

Also, I am guessing Bella’s hymen was broken but she seemed totally fine with it. After their passionate joining together of bodies and souls, they fell asleep.

In the morning, Bella opens her eyes, alone in bed, naked, down feathers floating in the air. SO DREAMY. The whole thing totally romanticized The First Time–a total falsity, yes, but still, kind of sweet.

The camera pans out and we can see that their sex was WILD. I was half-expecting to see bloody sheets which would have taken this movie to a whole other level. The bed is completely destroyed. Pillows have been shredded. Incredible sex has been had. If I had been part of a couple who damaged a room like that, we would HIGH FIVE! Bella goes to the bathroom and stares at herself in the mirror, wondering, “Do I still look like a virgin?” Edward walks up behind her. YES! MORE SEX PLZ! Edward, of course, is still such a cockblocker. Bella is clearly lusty and ripe and ready for another round of violent vampire sex but Edward sees a few faint bruises and freaks out. It’s so… ridiculous. The bruises are, frankly, mild–the kind you might get from doing IT RIGHT. This is why the Edward/Bella love story is so gross at times. He is so hell bent on “protecting” her like she is a glass statue. He totally makes all the decisions in their relationship. It’s a 1950s marriage or a “surrendered wife” marriage. I cannot with the way he treats her. Gross.

There’s a montage where Bella tries to get Eddie to bone her and he keeps pushing her away. They play a few games of chess and stare at each other and kiss and cuddle and she prances around in skimpy outfits but Edward stays “strong” and “resolute” and Bella practically dies of sexual frustration. The audience is right there with her. I mean, right there. Because we’ve been waiting years and the whole point of seeing this movie was to see a lot of inspired, passionate, rough vampire sex.

This is called DOING YOUR HONEYMOON WRONG! If my future husband (see: above personal ad) suggests chess on our honeymoon, we’re annulling that marriage. In this image, Edward uses his pinky to approximate his penis size. That is the only explanation I will accept. WE HATES HIM!

This comes down to control–Edward has to have it. He likes Bella pining for him and begging him to nail her. He wants to keep her wanting and needy and weakened by her desire. As he keeps her at arms length and teases her and smiles condescendingly at her efforts to seduce him, you can tell he’s eating that shit up. Edward, it would seem, is a sadist. There’s nothing wrong with that but he needs to own it. Be who you are, man. Be who you are.

Finally, Edward breaks down and they have sex once more and it’s great. We know this because they do that sexy sitting up to get down move that is awesome and intimate and only works for skinny people. Still, the whole “I married you but won’t nail you” thing has a really uncomfortable, “There’s a moral to this story,” vibe–even when true love waits and you have sex only after your married, you really ought not to have to much of the sex. Sex is for sinners.

There’s a little subplot involving the Brazilian housekeepers, a husband and wife, and she knows Edward is undead and she does not approve. She spends most of her time glaring at Edward and pursing her lips and doing her own version of Blue Steel.

It’s weird but even though he is in a sun drenched locale, Edward doesn’t sparkle ONCE! He’s supposed to sparkle in the sun. I remember that from the first two movies. His alabaster white skin twinkling like diamonds in the sky. I wanted sparkle, damnit.

After two weeks in wedded bliss on their private island in South America, Bella wakes up, finds Edward gone to the mainland, and she’s hungry from all that rough sex (who wouldn’t be) so she prepares herself a random breakfast of chicken legs and starts eating them ravenously. At one point, we see exposed bloody bone. This movie is nothing, if not subtle in its foreshadowing. Suddenly, she runs to the bathroom and proceeds to return that chicken to the toilet where it damn well belongs. You know what this means.YOU KNOW IT. We have talked about this, too.

Edward comes home and sees Bella vomiting and she’s all, “Go away. You don’t need to see this,” but he’s creepy and overprotective (like the husband in Sleeping with the Enemy for real) so he rushes to her side and holds her hair. She’s trying to understand her nausea even though it’s so painfully obvious she is movie rule pregnant. She blames the chicken. The chicken always gets blamed. Haters. Suddenly, she looks in her toiletry kit at her tampons and asks Edward how long it has been since they began their somewhat celibate bliss and she realizes OH SNAP I’M LATE. Edward doesn’t quite get it so she goes to the conveniently placed full length mirror and admires her slim profile while holding her stomach and whispers, “It’s not possible.” This movie is like the best sex education possible. All it takes is one time, children. Remember that.

Alice calls and Bella grabs the phone from Edward and they have a brief confab with Carlisle. Edward begins to unravel. He starts freaking out and in a hilarious scene, uses his vampire powers to speedily pack, zooming through the house while Bella watches, confusedly. I really cannot stand how disempowered she always is, letting things happen to her instead of being self-actualized. It’s so… regressive. Anyway, the housekeeper comes and because she is a magical person of color, she senses Bella is pregnant and ominously says Bella is going to die. Edward, who is such a co-dependent little bitch, continues to unravel because if there is no Bella he just can’t go on.

I began to shift in my seat uncomfortably at this point because Edward is all, “We’re going to get rid of it.” IT! Abortion scholars! SEE THIS MOVIE because holy shit, Breaking Dawn is a textbook freak show about life versus choice in the most disturbing, disturbing ways. I could not get ENOUGH of the second half of the movie.

At the airport, Bella mysteriously calls someone and says, “I need your help.” It’s strange and we don’t know what’s going on there but whatever. In the near distance, Edward is talking to someone and there’s a private jet waiting. To be clear, I am still fine with marrying a vampire. I accept all possible consequences.

Back in the States, Bella’s brooding father gets a phone call from Bella explaining she has taken ill and will be gone for a little while longer. Then Charlie goes to his buddy, Jacob’s father’s house and Jacob learns that Bella won’t be coming back for a while and he gets mad and gets on his motorcycle and drives to the Cullen’s.

Teen Wolf storms into the house and we see everyone sitting in stony silence. Edward and one of the other Cullens are standing in front of the couch and Jacob gruffly demands to see Bella. The Cullens stand strong!

Bella, though, is the queen of having cake and eating it too.

She says it’s fine and the men separate and there’s Bella, on the couch, looking terrible, wan and bony. She pushes away the blanket covering her and begins caressing her very protruded belly because vampire babies, they grow so fast! Jacob, of course, freaks out and says Bella must get rid of that thing. For once, he and Edward are on the same page but Bella is fucking zen as hell. (MORALITY PLAY) She is at peace with her pregnancy. (MORALITY PLAY) She’s hell bent on having her baby. (MORALITY PLAY) Edward asks to see Jacob alone for some man talk and he tells Jacob to convince Bella to get rid of that thing growing inside of her. Once again, Edward is trying to micromanage every single decision in Bella’s life. Classic abuser.

The movie gets so horrific at this point, I am fairly surprised it did not get an “R” rating. The moral overtones are so blatant this may as well have been an after school special on the consequences of interspecies sex, rough sex, abortion, and eating disorders.

Bella proceeds to wither away as her demon vampire baby eats her away from the inside. She becomes the epitome of thinspiration, her bones sharpening, her face gray and gaunt, her belly continuing to swell as those around her try to figure out how to keep Bella alive. Rosalie, who turns out to be the one Bella called from the airport, though we don’t know why and never will, is Bella’s Number One Caretaker and the only Cullen who doesn’t want Bella to abort her vampire baby. Carlisle, an expert, it would seem, on interspecies breeding and the ensuing medical complications, gravely informs Bella her heart will give out before she can deliver the baby. He also tells her that the baby has broken one of her ribs. (I MEAN!!!!) He delivers this terrible news during an examination IN THE MEDICAL CLINIC IN HIS HOUSE! Who has a medical clinic in their home? It’s so nonsensical and amazing. Now that I think about it, though, there is a bit of precedent here: Dr. Cliff Huxtable!

Back in the Cullen living room, where most of the movie takes place, Bella hangs out on the couch, wondering what her demon baby could possibly want. (GIRL, THAT BABY WANTS YOUR LIFE!) Suddenly, a revelation! The baby wants blood! Why it took so long for these rocket scientists to figure this out is beyond me. Carlisle says, “I’ve been saving some O-positive for Bella!” I laughed out LOUD! So fantastic. So so fantastic. This movie just went from one ludicrous and thrilling moment to the next. I was just so happy.

Carlisle goes down to his home hospital and returns with a bag of blood. One of the Cullen siblings starts watering at the mouth and Alice suggests he take a walk. Carlisle pours the blood, thick and gross, into a glass and it looks pretty unappealing. Jacob is horrified and says, “I think I’m going to be sick,” for a little levity. Edward is struck by inspiration. He gets a styrofoam cup with a STRAW (OMGLOL) and pours the blood into that and hands Bella her human milkshake. She’s tentative at first but then she’s totally into drinking that blood. She won’t have a problem becoming a vamp. That’s clear. She swishes that blood around in her mouth like a wine connoisseur while everyone watches and then she delivers her verdict. Delicious! The baby likes it too so all is mostly well, though Bella continues to get weaker as her accelerated delivery date approaches. Clearly, marriage sucks.

Things happen with the wolves while all this is going on. Jacob leaves the pack to become a lone wolf and two wolves follow him and he doesn’t really want them around but he grudgingly lets them hang out with him. Sam, the Alpha male of the pack, insists on getting the vampire baby because it is an abomination so there’s that tension. The wolves are roaming the woods so the Cullens can’t feed. Finally, they need to go get more blood so Jacob creates a diversion and so on. It’s not that interesting. The real action is with crazy skinny deeply committed to life pregnant Bella. Her insistence on keeping the baby becomes really disturbing. This is clearly a case where the mother’s life in danger. Even most social conservatives would agree this would be the right time to consider an abortion but not Bella. There’s also a fascinating little vocabulary situation during this part of the movie where some of the characters refer to the baby as a baby and others refer to it as a fetus. Like I said–major text. It’s going to be studied for years to come.

Edward finally realizes he loves his baby and is able to hear the baby’s thoughts when he lays his hand on Bella’s stomach. He’s all, “The baby likes it when you talk! And when I talk!” Yes, genius, the baby you wanted to kill likes you despite every reason not to. You’re a parent. He finally gets over his baby daddy jitters and in the distance, Jacob smolders as he watches the happy family. Poor, poor Jacob. Always on the outside of Bella’s happiness where she holds him tightly in her vixen-like grip. He is such an emotional masochist. With a body like that, he should not be crying over a married woman. I will give him something to dry his wolf tears.

What happens next will put you off of childbirth forever and ever and ever. People were literally gasping and shrieking softly and otherwise expressing discomfort. It was a straight up horror show.

Bella’s on the couch, shivering and cold. Edward (worst baby daddy in the world) feels inadequate because he can’t warm her up. Jacob finally gets to shine and says, “I’ve got this, bitch,” as he stares cold, cold Edward down. He snuggles up to Bella to flood her body with his masculine wolfish warmth, but before he can enjoy that moment, before that poor bastard can get some of that Bella affection for which he is so desperate, Bella screams in agony and then they’re in the home hospital and Carlisle is out on the hunt so the boys are going to have to deliver that baby themselves. Hot water! Clean towels! No wait! Not that kind of labor and delivery!

You are not going to believe what I am about to tell you but it is true.

Bella’s body literally breaks as the baby tries to get out. She screams and arches her back and more ribs break and probably her spine, who knows. She is gray and emaciated and sweating. It’s a repulsive scene that lets you know, birthing babies is serious, terrible business. Edward grabs a scalpel but then he’s all “Fuck this,” and… he, how do I say this… he EATS THE BABY OUT OF BELLA! He performs an oral c-section.

Let me repeat that. He performs an oral c-section–NOM NOM NOM. When he looks up from the hot bloody mess that is Bella’s belly, he kind of looks like this:

I wish I could quantify how horrified and delighted I was at this point but let’s just say, there were tears of joy threatening the corners of my eyes.

Eventually, Edward gets the baby out and it’s a girl! SURPRISE! Bella was so sure it was a boy. The baby has the craziest fucking name–Renesmee. We should talk about that name, right? Their boy name was going to be Edward Jacob but the girl name is Renesmee? It’s their mothers’ names but that’s no excuse. That is a name where the parents are telling their unborn child, “I hate you forever.” Given that they are vampiric, that means, I hate you so much I want you to bear your name for eternity. What terrifies me is that somewhere out there, a Twihard is naming their baby Renesmee right now.

We are not done with the crazy yet.

Edward holds the baby, a big healthy baby, up to Bella and she smiles and touches her child and then she dies. Jacob is strangely calm and says, “You know what, Edward, I’m not going to kill you. I’m going to let you live with what you’ve done.” OOOH BURN!!! Jacob, devastated, goes outside to sulk and mourn. Rosalie takes the baby and goes to sit with her upstairs.

We know how codependent Edward is so he totally takes freaking out to a new level, rending his garments and performing CPR on Bella as if CPR might help anorexia, multiple bone fractures, and a lower abdomen that has been eaten open. I’m not a medical doctor but that seems to be a bit…inadequate. He’s saying desperate love things but Bella just lays there. She’s tired. And also dead. Again, the heavy handed morality is pretty gross–a mother should sacrifice her life for that of her unborn child’s. People! You save the mother’s life! You can make more babies. You can’t make another Bella. I know a little something about this.

Suddenly, Edward starts biting Bella everywhere. It’s disturbing but at this point, the freak show has been in overdrive so you’re pretty numb to it. Then we see inside her body and she starts healing and her bones reassemble themselves but she continues to lay there, still and dead.

Jacob decides he’s going to kill Renesmee because her name is so stupid. He goes to the living room and in another NOT TO BE BELIEVED MOMENT, he makes eye contact with the INFANT GIRL and imprints with her. Imprinting is this extremely co-dependent wolf thing where when a wolf imprints on someone, they are bonded for life where bonded means that the person who has been imprinted now lives for the imprintee. Breaking Dawn was on some next level shit in every way. There is also no fear of pedophilia in this movie–none at all.

Outside, the wolves and vampires are about to rumble because the wolves have come to kill Renesmee. Jacob runs into the center of the melee and points at the wolves and says, “Enough! It’s over!” and they can sense he has imprinted and conveniently enough, when a wolf has imprinted, the person he is imprinted with cannot be harmed. It is the one unbreakable wolf rule to rule them all! The wolves go away, just like that. Imprinting is serious business. Back in the hospital room, the color returns to Bella’s skin and hair and she opens her eyes and that’s it! The movie is over! Dawn has broken completely.

I have no idea what happens next but there’s a lot to process. Jacob imprinted with Renesmee! How, exactly, is that going to work? Bella is no longer human! How will she explain the baby to her human friends and family? How will she explain her sparkling skin in the sun if they remember to include that detail in the last movie? What’s going on with the Volturi? Oral c-section? REALLY? O!M!F!G!

I cannot wait until November 2012. I cannot wait.

(As an aside, the trailer for The Hunger Games is so good it made me want to read the books immediately.)