I received a friendly rejection from Willow Springs. It was disappointing. I don’t have much to say about it. Rejection happens. Onward.

I wrote a brief retrospective on the Pine Sol Lady that is now up at Thought Catalog.

If you order Normally Special or So You Know It’s Me, Tiny Hardcore Press will contribute $5 to relief efforts in Tuscaloosa (up to $250) because one of our writers lives there and also because we care so, go, buy some books.

I am STILL sick. I have a sinus infection of such severity that when I move my eyeballs, they are tender and sore. It is such a bummer. Send me some Valium so I can go to the doctor this week.

The Lara Logan interview on 60 Minutes was pretty difficult. Her assault sounds horrifying. All sexual assault is horrifying but being trapped in a mob of men is right up there on my list of worst nightmares so Logan’s experience seems extra horrible. She has ovaries of steel though. She held it together pretty well in the interview. The guy interviewing her cracked at times; it was understandable. What I respect most is that she went on camera and talked about what happened to her. She didn’t dance around it or, as she notes, minimize the experience or sensationalize it. She simply discussed her experience for what it was. That’s not an easy thing to do,  to openly discuss sexual assault, and as a public figure, I imagine it must be even more challenging. I was surprised by how difficult it was to even watch the interview. It bothered me more than I could have ever guessed. Her emotional damage is as plain to see as her strength.

On Saturday, I woke up at 5 and drove to Champaign an hour later to meet up with some friends and we spent the next four hours and change driving around cheering on our amazing friend L who ran the Illinois marathon. There were mimosas prepared along the route from the back of my truck. I did not partake because I would have fallen right asleep. L ran 26.2 miles. In like, one morning. It’s crazy where crazy is awesome. I was so insanely impressed and just proud to know someone who can do something like that. The weirdest part was that she looked fresh and alive the whole time and afterward, she was able to hold a good conversation. What I’m saying is if it were me, I would have looked angry the entire time and/or near death and it would probably be best to have a wheelchair waiting for me at the finish line. I took lots of pictures, both of L and lots of hot running guys. I’m totally extra committed to running a marathon in 12/12 now. I saw some chubsters running the marathon. But. The men are so hot. Seriously, I’ve been dating in the wrong circles. This is not to say I’ve not dated hotties but more to say that the men running were both hot and demonstrating endurance. Later, I will download these amazing pictures I took from my phone and objectify accordingly. The women were hot too, bodies I would KILL for. It was actually one of the most fun experiences I’ve had since moving to Illinois, right after Scrabble. The real story here though is my friend T who is, as I’ve referenced her here before, funny as all hell BUT for the marathon she made these elaborate maps with markings for where we would meet L on the race and everything was perfectly-timed and the whole day went off without a hitch. Her maps were INTENSE. I have SAVED MINE and will treasure it forever. I’m not being sarcastic here. We made FRIENDS with all the runners who were in the same general 15-minute frame as L. One of the signs our little group had, made by M, said, “Sweat is Sexy.” That sign was super popular with the runners many of whom had colorful commentary in response. It was so interactive. Yeah, its kind of crazy that they were able to talk and run at the same time. When I’m on the treadmill, I cannot speak. I am not a walk or run talker. These runners were so hardcore. L was amazing. It is sad that she is moving to Eastern Europe to go do stupid Peace Corps. She will be missed.

After watching all that marathonic exertion I had to come home and nap but I couldn’t fall asleep so that was a shame. I chugged a 5-hour energy drink before having a fairly debauched evening with a dude. At one point, I was sitting in a dive bar, drinking the shittiest booze from a plastic cup, staring at girls in skimpy clothing and the boys trying to separate those girls from their clothing, thinking, “You’re going to catch a chill, dears.” The bar across the street was so packed, all you could see was a mass of fruity perfume and glitter sprayed bodies in off the shoulder blouses and booty shorts huddled together as they balanced on precariously high heels.  I am really glad to be in my thirties.

I have to share some music I am digging on my workout playlist: Nero, Nero, and NERO.

We all know why we’re really here today though, don’t we?

OH HELL YES. What you’re about to read is a: long and b: insane so if awesome movies and my frothing adoration for awesome movies is not something that interests you, read no further.

This weekend was the Fast Five premiere weekend. The movie was everything I could have hoped for and so much more. I wanted to cry during the movie I was so happy and I really needed some happy. When I say I love these movies, please know I am dead fucking serious. This isn’t ironic love. I revel in the badness and find beauty in the badness. The movie is as terrible and awesome as you could hope. It is also super long which means the movie was an extended pleasure. I cannot wait to see it again and will probably catch several times this week.

Before we can truly talk about this movie though, we need to revisit our critical discussion of Skyline where I wrote this:

Anyway, Eric Balfour and his hot girlfriend (like too hot for him hot) are in bed. She goes to the bathroom and vomits. You know what that means right? When a woman vomits in the movie that means she’s pregnant because that’s basically all pregnant women do is vomit. Okay, that’s sort of true. Morning sickness is a bitch.

You may have thought I was being pithy but I was breaking some shit down for you. I’m going to break it down a little further.

Movie rule: in an action movie, when a woman is pregnant, this plot device will be used to demonstrate that a great deal is at stake and that there must be a happy ending.

Movie rule: in any movie, when a woman is pregnant, her condition will be foreshadowed by an intense bout of unexpected nausea, a rush to the bathroom, the vomiting itself or the image of her hunched over the toilet, holding her hair, followed by that pregnant woman washing her face and then staring at her reflection in the mirror. A corollary to this rule is that a woman who is part of this narrative foreshadowing has often not told the inseminator that she is pregnant. A second corollary to this rule is that there is often another woman nearby who will offer comfort to the nauseous pregnant lady and ask something like, “Does he know?”  (Seriously, start paying attention. It will shock you how often this rule comes into play in the movies.)

These rules are in FULL EFFECT in Fast Five. As soon as I realized these rules were in effect, I knew, in my heart, that this would be an Experience. I have loved the F & F movies since the very first one. I own them all. I’ve seen them more times than I am comfortable admitting but that number, for all the movies combined, is probably in the low triple digits. The shit is serious, okay? Vin Diesel? He does it for me. He just does. I love that he seems not so bright and that he can’t act and that his body is just thick, slabbed muscle and that his thighs are tree trunks. You know how sometimes people think about other people when they’re [redacted]? Vin Diesel is my man. He wears a cheap t-shirt like a second skin, showing off every perfect ripple of his body. My body temperature literally increased just typing these words. I feel feverish.

So yes, Fast Five, the fifth movie in the amazing Fast & Furious franchise is glorious and it is glorious for so many reasons but the main reason this movie is glorious is because Paul Walker, who loves to act with black people (see: his entire career and most recently, Takers, another fine film), is a baby daddy and impending fatherhood gives Paul Walker unprecedented opportunities to face act.

I have so much to say about this movie that I will be unable to discuss the movie in any sort of coherent way. I’m just going to throw various bits of awesome at you. Be sure you’re siting down because this discussion will probably overwhelm you.

The movie opens in a courtroom and Dominic (Vin Diesel who is so meaty hot in this movie, my loins weep. meaty hot is when a guy looks meaty and thick but delicious and grillable) is being sentenced to a 25 to life sentence without the possibility of parole for being a bad bad boy. Paul Walker and Mia are sitting in the courtroom looking stony and this is Paul Walker’s first opportunity to unleash his amazing face acting prowess. Paul Walker is displeased. Poor Paul Walker. Then we’re on a desert highway. There’s a prison bus ambling along when suddenly three black cars appear on the horizon. Paul Walker and Mia are driving two of the cars, and we get classic Fast & Furious camera shots of them staring intently through the windshield while they grip the steering wheel. The Fast & Furious franchise has PATENTED and MASTERED the intent windshield stare shot. I will montage this for us someday. Then they speed forward, surround the bus, force the bus to flip over and over and miraculously no one dies, but Dominic escapes. We know these last two pieces of information because the movie cuts to various fake news reports about the incident (for a similar narrative device, see: spinning tabloids from my previous discussion of the epic William & Kate movie.).

Movie rule: When a movie is set in Brazil, and particularly Rio, the opening scene  in that city will involve panning around the Christ the Redeemer statue, first from a distance, then closing in. There will often be some kind of sweeping scoring involved.

If I was good at working with video, I would make a montage of this.

I swear, someone should hire me to talk about movies. That’s all I want to do, really.

Anyway, Mia and Paul Walker drive up to a building in a sketchy neighborhood and get out and as they walk up some sketchy stairs, thugs start coming out of narrow doorways wielding various types of gun machinery. Then, that one guy from Fast & Furious 1 who hates Paul Walker and used to be in love with Mia, appears. He’s still hot too. Fast Five should really be called Dysfunctional Car Thief Family Reunion because the entire movie is about bringing back the principle characters from all the Fast & Furious movies, the ones who are still alive, that is. Anyway, Paul Walker and Mia are broke and hungry. They sit down and start shoveling food into their faces. They ask if Dominic has shown up yet but he’s still missing, on the run, because after the breakout, I guess, they all split up. This is a plot point that isn’t deeply explored but that’s okay. Then, the menfolk are drinking beer while Mia and that one guy’s woman, put a baby to bed. Turns out it’s that guy’s baby. Mia lays the baby in his crib and looks at him tenderly. THIS IS SUBTLE FORESHADOWING. Suddenly, she grabs her mouth and runs to the bathroom, relieves her stomach of its contents, then stands in front of the sink, wipes her mouth and stares at her reflection. THIS IS BLATANT FORESHADOWING. Then that one guy’s woman says, “Does he know?” I love when I am right about movie rules.

That one guy has a job opportunity for Paul Walker and Mia, needs two more drivers. Of course he does.

In order to truly appreciate this movie, you need to suspend your disbelief thusly: find yourself one of those tower cranes always hovering over skyscrapers. Attach your disbelief to that crane and do so securely. Don’t use rope or something silly like that. Weld your disbelief to that crane. Sit back. Relax.

Paul Walker and Mia agree to this job because they’re broke and on the run and wanted and in that situation it makes perfect sense to commit more crimes. He’s no longer with the FBI, obvi. The heist involves a train speeding through Brazil, and in a car on this train, there are three cars. Paul Walker recognizes the keys as tagged by the DEA and he frowns and face acts his concern. A weird looking truck starts speeding over sand and pulls alongside the train. There are other criminals on the flatbed of this weird looking truck. One of them is Dominic. He jumps into the train and hugs Mia and Paul Walker: Dysfunctional Car Thief Family Reunion Two: Electric Boogaloo. Then they get to work stealing cars. The heist is so fucking preposterous and magical that I started clapping gleefully. I did not give a flying fuck that I looked like a crazy person in a fairly crowded theater. When a movie demands glee, give the movie glee. I give glee. There’s a real shady character participating in the heist. He used to be on that TV show, The Unit. He is the villain’s sidekick and he rivals Paul Walker in terms of face acting his way through the movie and speaking about five lines in total. He is hell bent on getting a GTO but Mia ends up driving int off into the sunset. Anyway, this scene ends with Paul Walker jumping onto a speeding car from a speeding train that’s about to cross a bridge and then he and Vin Diesel are flying through the air over a canyon at the bottom of which there is a river and somehow, miraculously, they survive defying all known facts about gravity and physics.

Check the weld joints of your disbelief suspension at this time, please.

When the Dynamic Duo surface from the water, a bunch of thugs are pointing guns at them. Next, they’re in a creepy room, hanging from hooks in the ceiling looking sexy but imperiled. That one bad guy from Clear and Present Danger is the Brazilian bad guy in this movie only he’s older and his face looks like it has suffered a botched plastic surgery job. He acts menacing and threatens to harm Mia and Paul Walker gets another splendid opportunity to face act while Vin Diesel hangs like a sexy piece of meat, stoic and beefy. I would marinate him. They free themselves, of course, and go find Mia and then that one guy appears and he is accused of betraying them because Vin Diesel catches him trying to take a chip from the car stereo of the GTO Mia drove back to their sad headquarters. That one guy runs away, angry, but first he reminds Vin of Michelle Rodriguez, shouting, “WHAT ABOUT LETTIE?” I agree. WHAT ABOUT LETTIE? An action movie is not an action movie without Michelle Rodriguez’s sweat slicked arms. I missed them as well as her curled upper lip sneer and her own brand of exceptional face acting. We went over this during our great chat about Battle: LA

Paul Walker fiddles with this mysterious chip and face acts by staring intently at a small screen and uses his blond brain power to deduce that the chip contains money safehouses for the Brazilian Bad Guy. Plot point, AHA! I SEE YOU!

As an aside, the way Paul Walker holds a gun upsets me so much I can’t really talk about it anymore but its pretty terrible.

Meanwhile, THE ROCK lands on Brazilian soil and I don’t know what happened since we last saw The Rock in a feature film  but The Rock apparently ate a few professional wrestlers because if he was big before, he’s ridiculously, deliciously massive now. His face is seriously triangular and has that disturbing steroid glow. His muscles are swollen. He bulges, literally. His body looks like it might explode at ANY MOMENT. I had the vapors. I dream of a man so massive and bulging that he could throw me against a wall, hard, and teach me a lesson. When The Rock started strutting around shouting orders with military precision, I muttered, “Teach me a lesson, Daddy,” and my gentleman friend said, “When we get back to your place,” and I thought, “Damnit, not YOU.”

The Rock is part of a special force of fugitive catchers. He’s like Dog the Bounty Hunter only for the FBI and he spends the ENTIRE movie face acting only his features don’t move much and his head is so triangular that you wonder what happened to bring that shape about. He sweats a lot too. It’s all extremely attractive if you’re into that sort of thing and I am into that sort of thing. He secures the services of a local cop, a gorgeous woman whose husband was killed in the favelas two years earlier. The favelas are Brazilian for the hood. He does this because he knows she is motivated to get bad guys and cannot be corrupted. Of course, he has not yet run into the sexual energy of Dominic Vin Diesel.

Mia finally reveals she is pregnant after yet another chase I won’t bore you with. There’s lots of running and The Rock is shouting and Dominic, Mia, and Paul Walker parkour their way through the favelas, leaping from building to building agilely without injury because that’s how life works. You can jump from great heights and land awkwardly, repeatedly, without injury if you’re beautiful, thin, and/or a great face actor. Movie rule. Double check the weld joints again on that disbelief suspension. You want your disbelief to be extra secure for the madness ahead.

Mia reveals she’s pregnant, like I said, and Paul Walker gives us a perfect face acting moment as he realizes his seed is potent and he has no money, no prospects, several groups of people with guns chasing him, and a baby on the way. His face is up to the task of these intense emotions. Of course it is. Paul Walker, who loves to act with black people, is an Oscar-caliber face actor. Vin Diesel’s face doesn’t move during this scene or any other. He’s the kind of face actor where you really need to study the eyes because his face is so taut, he cannot emote with his facial muscles. He looks upon his sister and brother-in-law stoically and pulls them all into a hug and then they devise a magical plan where they will steal $100 million from the Brazilian Bad Guy and then live happily ever after. In order to pull off this even bigger heist, they’re going to need a team.

I want Vin to hug me very much though I may not necessarily be thinking of the word “hug” when I say “hug.”

YOU KNOW WHAT THE NEED FOR A TEAM MEANS!

Yes. Tyrese is coming.

Movie rule: If you’re going to make an action movie, you need an “actor” like Tyrese to provide both intentional and unintentional comic relief.

I have a bit of an obsession with Tyrese as an actor. He’s fine and all but really what I love about Tyrese is that he’s a terrible actor and he embraces it, perhaps unwittingly. In every single movie he’s in, Tyrese tosses out some amazing, hackneyed one-liners. He literally stares at the camera and shouts these lines in a monotone. It’s so delightful.  I was not disappointed in Fast Five. He had so many Tyrese One Liners, I thought the movie’s director must love me. Tyrese’s lines in the movie felt personal. They felt like a gift just for me, is what I’m saying. I will relay these lines after the second viewing tomorrow. There was a lot for me to retain so some things slipped through the cracks.

Paul Walker and Dominic sit around discussing the skills they’re going to need to pull of the heist and then we see all the cool characters from the previous Fast & Furious movies, assembling. There’s the hot Asian guy from Tokyo Drift (which was quaint as those of us who love this franchise generally don’t acknowledge that movie), and Ludacris (that’s kind of ironic, right?), and the hot lady from F&F 4 who ends up making it with the hot Asian guy, and those Brazilian brothers who always argue, and Tyrese wearing a Member’s Only jacket and eventually that other guy shows up and makes nice. The gang’s all together, except for poor Lettie, who is still dead, impoverishing the franchise because we don’t get to enjoy Michelle Rodriguez’s sweat slick arms (see above). Somewhere, probably in ATL, Ja Rule is sitting in his soon to be foreclosed McMansion, pissed that he wasn’t invited to join the Fast Five cast. You can see Ja’s finest work in the franchise at the end of this clip where you also get an early glimpse of that one guy. You were robbed, Ja Rule. I poured a little out for you. Big ups.

Now that the Dysfunctional Car Thief Family Reunion is complete, the gang banters unwittily and frets and clutches their pearls about the magnitude of the task before them. Then, you have to literally FORGET THE CONCEPT OF DISBELIEF because the heist planning and preparation is so absurd, so preposterous and so utterly delightful. At one point, the merry band of thieves magically find a duplicate of the safe they need to break into so they can practice things and have it delivered to their clubhouse. There’s no explanation of where the safe was found, acquired, or how it was delivered. Instead, one of the characters says something like, “I had a life before I met you.” This almost becomes a catchphrase and is uttered two or three more times. The safe the gang needs to break into, mind you, is in a police station in downtown Rio, but this is a movie so it will all work out. Anyway, when the safe was delivered, I clapped again. Guys, I was so happy during this movie, my chest ached.

As with all the F & F movies, there’s a scene where there’s an abandoned parking area of some kind and lots of gorgeous, sleek cars with the hoods open (product placement), and scantily clad women with perfect bodies (product placement) and a sexy score. The only point of this scene  in Fast Five is to have a car race we do not see so  Dominic and Paul Walker can acquire a fast, sleek car to help with the heist. And also to objectify cars and women–all in a day’s work in Hollywood.

There are hijinks and various obstacles but the crescendo of this movie is when The Rock JOINS THE OUTLAWS, temporarily and willingly. And also, that incorruptible lady cop? She falls in love with Dominic. Why wouldn’t she? He wears a t-shirt the whole time. The movie ends with a Return of the King style ending where there are about eleven different “endings,” that include the following: a wild chase through the busy streets of Rio where two cars pull a huge multi-ton vault through the streets by wire cables that somehow never snap, a showdown on a bridge where Dominic tells Paul Walker to go be a daddy and leave him to show down with the enemy, a face acting stare down of epic proportions between Dominic, Paul Walker (who ignores Dominic’s missive), and The Rock who gives the bad boys 24 hours to flee before he resumes his right and proper role as an officer of the law, a scene in Monaco where the Brazilian brothers each bet $10 million on roulette, a scene where Tyrese pulls up to Ludacris’s new garage to show off a new car only to find that Luda has that same car, and finally, a scene on a beach at an undisclosed location where Mia is hugely pregnant but glowing and Paul Walker is face acting and Dominic and the hot incorruptible police lady walk up holding hands, in love, and everyone is happy and as it should be. I do not say these words lightly. Fast Five is a new American classic.

Fast Five made $83 million this weekend and it wasn’t even a long weekend. You know what that means? SLICK SIX!