Skyline is the best bad movie I have ever seen. The movie is terrible but I loved it. I am not being facetious or funny. I was entertained for the entire time. When I reflect on the movie I smile. I have seen the movie twice and will see it again, soon.  Years from now, this movie will be remembered as a shockingly terrible movie where nothing happens and yet has a kick ass ending. The second time I saw the movie, when it ended I literally jumped up, pumped my fist, and shouted, “Fuck yeah, Skyline.” I was, thankfully, alone.  I went into Skyline with very low expectations because the trailer was terrible and it was starring a bunch of B actors like Eric Balfour (who is aging in a less than flattering way and is seriously pointier than he has ever been), that blonde chick from The Game*  who can’t act, that one Hispanic guy with a lisp who can’t act who I think was in Oz, the black guy from Scrubs who can’t act, and that hot girl with the significant forehead who looks like Olivia Wilde but isn’t Olivia Wilde and can act, sort of.

Before you stress yourself out with worry, yes, the black man dies pretty early in the movie, nothing new there. Almost everyone dies in this movie. There’s no need for suspense. Let us not tease each other. There is no plot, there is no suspense. Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen and it’s not going to end well for anyone.

The movie opens with a bright blue light. I think all movies should open with a bright blue light.  I should also mention that this movie is like Independence Day only the sucky version. They blatantly lifted almost every aspect of Independence Day on 1/333rd of the budget. I’m so happy just thinking back on the movie. I need to tell you that. Anyway, Eric Balfour and his hot girlfriend (like too hot for him hot) are in bed. She goes to the bathroom and vomits. You know what that means right? When a woman vomits in the movie that means she’s pregnant because that’s basically all pregnant women do is vomit. Okay, that’s sort of true. Morning sickness is a bitch. Anyway, she vomits but we don’t know if she brushes her teeth and that concerned me for a while. Just like in Independence Day there’s mutterings about an earthquake because they are in Los Angeles and when something abnormal happens, the default answer to the question WTF is, inevitably, earthquake!

Balfour gets out of bed, scratches himself and stumbles into the living room. He’s a man and he is manly (in a pointy way with a bizarre facial hair thing happening) so he’s going to check it out.  There’s a nymphette sitting on the couch and you can just tell from her hysterical behavior that she’s basically stupid and probably a woman with loose morals. She shrieks something like, “He’s gone,” and we’re not quite sure who but whatevs. Balfour starts staring into the blue light and soon his face starts burning up and he’s going toward the light. The end times! I guess it’s true. When it comes time to die, we all go toward the light. Before we can find out how this cheerful story ends, the movie flashes back to fifteen hours earlier, a happier, more innocent time.

Balfour and his hot girlfriend are sitting on a plane. They’re in first class because they’re not being squeezed to death by the proletariat back in steerage. Balfour is sketching like a kindergardener. He’s an artiste only he doesn’t have a beret so he’s probably not very good at the arts. His girlfriend doesn’t feel well (SUBTLE PREGNANCY FORESHADOWING)  and they dialogue ineffectively providing some back story about why they’re going to be in LA (there’s an old friend who’s like, the real deal). As they deplane, Balfour grabs a woman’s suitcase for her and his girlfriend is basically ready to drop her panties for him right there because that’s how it works. A man does something innocuously polite and we ladies lose all sexual control. For future reference you want to know that when they are having a tender moment, Balfour likes to run his hand down her face. I believe he does this five times.It’s an indication that he loves her and that he is still himself. One of my favorite parts of this movie is the complete lack of subtlety. I’m blanking on the movie right now but there’s another movie where the guy is always running his hand down his woman’s face to show her he loves her. OH MY GOD I REMEMBER! Face/Off!  Don’t mess with me and movies. Seriously, though, the lifting of ideas from other movies is so blatant in Skyline as to be admirable.

A fancy limousine type vehicle picks Balfour and his lady up at the airport and soon they are at a shiny, slick, stainless steel applianced apartment high in the Los Angeles sky which is, remarkably, free of smog. I hope you like the apartment, because most of the movie takes place there. Yes, seriously. The apartment is owned by black Scrubs guy who we’ll just call Scrubs or Turk because let’s face it—no matter what that guy does, he’s always going to be Turk from Scrubs. Some things you just can’t fight and he doesn’t help matters by approaching every role the same way he approaches playing Turk–like a dork. Anyway, Turk’s some kind of Hollywood producer and his relationship to Balfour is pretty vague but they are homeboys and it’s Turk’s birthday and he has a blonde girlfriend who looks 100 years old and on The Game she gets paid more per episode than that one black twin girl who was on that one show with Jackee which is totally messed up, right? I mean more than a Mowry? On BET, the “black” network? Pathetic and typical. Bamboozled shit.

At the birthday party some little B-stories are revealed. Turk is nailing his assistant, the aforementioned nymphette. His girlfriend is kind of a bitch who’s mean to the Hispanic superintendent with the lisp. Balfour and his girlfriend have tensions because Turk intends to hire Balfour to work on his movie which means Balfour and his lady have to move to LA and he doesn’t bother to discuss moving across the country with her. She tells him she’s pregnant and her news is greeted with the most awkward “Oh shit my girlfriend is preggers” silence ever. Balfour looks so skeeved out that you really just want to smack him. Men, listen, there’s only one response to a woman you’re in love with telling you she’s pregnant: “HELL YEAH! WE ARE HAVING A BABY” or “CUTE BABY! RAD!” Any other reaction will be brought up in arguments in perpetuity. For example, you’ll be arguing about taking the trash out or who gets the remote control and she’ll say, “And you didn’t even want our baby,” out of nowhere, without context. Or so I hear.

The party ends and one of Turk’s friends passes out in the living room with the nymphette but she won’t let him share the couch so he’s on the floor. Balfour and his lady are in their bedroom and we’re all caught up with the blue light. Turk and his lady run into the living room and see Balfour walking to the light and everyone basically jumps on him to keep him in the apartment. Then Turk frantically uses a sexy remote control to close the blinds. It’s at this point that you realize that this movie is going to be techno-idiotic. There are aliens who have the technology to invade Earth but they can’t see through blinds? This poppycock is going to come up several more times throughout the movie.

It was at this point that I basically spent the rest of the movie laughing my ass off and feeling like God is glorious for letting me live long enough to see such an awesome movie. There is not one single likable character in this movie. Everyone is just horrible and gross and shallow or just milquetoast and weak. You basically want to cheer when they each die and that’s sad because that’s not very nice. Everyone in the apartment is pretty panicked so Turk gets all macho and says, “I’m going to see what’s going on.” It’s the lamest thing. Normally in these kinds of movies it’s the white people who want to go explore stupidly so Turk not only gets to die first but he gets to do something stupid first. What on earth does he think he can do? It gets even more awesome when he grabs a hand gun. Yes. Let me break that shit down for you. A H A N D G U N. Consider shit broken. That gun is magic though. It never runs out of bullets so that’s pretty great. He starts walking around like an overstuffed tiny wrestler in his velour track suit (really)and Balfour insists he has to follow Turk to investigate because that’s his bro man and he has to have dude’s back. Before Balfour leaves, though, he grabs a digital camera to take pictures. Why? Don’t ask that question for the rest of this discussion. You will never receive a satisfactory response. Also, later, there will be naked product placement when someone holding the camera tilts it toward the movie camera to show that it’s a Canon 5D or something like that.

Turk and Balfour run to the roof and OH SNAP THERE BE SPACESHIPS IN THE SKY YO! The dumbasses accidentally let the roof door close behind them so they’re trapped on the roof looking at these huge alien spaceships straight out of The Matrix. Again, the theft is blatant. Balfour takes a whole bunch of pictures as the spaceships enter the atmosphere and do whatever they’re doing. Then, he takes pictures as the spaceships start sucking people into their mechanical bowels. It’s so implausible and awesome that it’s one of the most compelling filmic moments in recent memory because all you can think is, “I can’t believe this is happening.”

I can’t remember quite when this happens but Turk actually shoots his little pistol at one of the alien things. Wha??? When they’re pursued, they run back to the door and using the magic gun with an infinite number of bullets, Turk starts shooting at the door to make it open and its awkward to watch because he’s holding the gun like a little bitch. It’s almost unwatchable how he’s holding that gun and it’s weird because men have to hold their junk to peeand it’s kind of the same thing, right? Normally when a door is shot at in movies, the door opens but this is not that kind of movie. His efforts are in vain until Balfour’s lady saves the day by opening the door. They run back to the apartment and everyone has a major major freakout because shit JUST GOT REAL, like seven strangers picked to live in a house real.

Turk runs down the hall to fetch some car keys. This is strange because guess what? He has his own car and you’re expecting that he’s getting the keys for a G-wagon or a Hummer or something but when they actually get to the garage, it’s just a Mercedes sedan. WHY? I need this question answered. That’s the worst production choice. It’s just lazy and that was like the one thing in the movie that really enraged me. Yes, of all the things wrong with the movie, it was the whole car thing that pushed me over the edge. Anyway, he goes into this old guy’s apartment and that’s when they start hiding behind furniture as the alien drones try to peek into the apartment. This is one of those glaring plot holes a mile wide. The aliens are clearly superior. Why would they be deterred by Turk hiding behind the kitchen island? Come on… Once he has the keys (and the old guy dies), Turk returns to his apartment.

After some lame ass discussions and Turk’s lady finding some pictures on the camera of him nailing his assistant (Aha! That’s why they introduced the camera!), they all go down to the parking garage because they’ve decided that there are no spaceships over water. Their Mordor is Turk’s boat. If they can just make it there, they can make it anywhere, and everything will be okay. It’s the most irrational conclusion in the history of panicked decisions. Turk’s lady tells him he can drive alone with his assistant because she’s so mad at him for his infidelity. She’s a huffy little thing and she gets behind the wheel of the MERCEDES SEDAN (for the love of Pete WTF???). As they caravan out of the parking garage they run into a couple, offer to help, and the husband gets weirdly macho, and all, “We don’t need your stinking help!” It’s another bizarre moment because given the circumstances, why wouldn’t you want help, sir? If we’re ever in a post apocalyptic scenario together and you see me and some guy I’m supposedly attached to trying to load a minivan with crap, HELP US.

As Turk’s Ferrari pulls out of the garage, it is crushed by some kind of alien thing with a big ass foot. Turk scrambles out of the car. The nymphette is already dead. You don’t care because she was horrible. He starts running to his friends and Balfour runs toward him and minus the apocalypse, it’s pretty bromantic. Turk’s lady is freaking out because deep down she like loves him and shit but it’s for naught. Turk dies. Of course he dies. He’s the black guy and the rules on this are clear: the black guy always dies first. Everyone is sad for about 30 seconds but they have to worry about themselves so they brush that dirt off their shoulders. The couple who shunned their help earlier makes another appearance but they die too. There’s some incomprehensible action sequences outside and then they’re trying to get back in the building. That’s when they’re saved by the Hispanic guy with the lisp. Anyway, the night before, Turk’s lady was a bitch to him but they’re going to be besties in about 17 minutes so its all good.

They run back up to the apartment and it’s pretty clear that the rest of the movie is going to happen in that stupid apartment. They will never leave that apartment. We will never have anything to look at but that godforsaken Hollywood apartment in the sky. I can’t think of anything sadder. Balfour is feeling pretty poorly because of his alien encounter and he has some weird growth on his chest that ‘s either alien or some kind of VD or ringworm, who knows. He and his lady have more lame, futile conversations about their future and it’s all stilted and awkward because the script is weak here and the actors are weak and you can have strong actors and a weak script or a strong script and weak actors but when you have a weak script and weak actors, your SOL.

Hispanic Lisp Guy sees himself as kind of a leader so he tries to give Balfour a pep talk in this really sexist way. He says things like, “We’ll keep watch while the ladies thleep,” and “We have to be the men because we’re manly,” and mostly Balfour rolls his eyes but once, he loses his shit, grabs Hispanic Lisp Guy, and shoves him into the wall real hard and vows to protect his family! The boy becomes a man! That was a nice moment. Balfour has nice arms. He should use them more often, preferably bare, on me would be fine.

They start to watch the action outside using a telescope that can project on the TV which works even though we get the impression that there’s no power. Magics! The Air Force comes flying through launching nukes at the alien ship and they blow it up and everyone gets excited and starts to hope until that alien ship starts to reconstitute itself. Whoever the aliens are, they know how to kill dreams. They are dream killers.

(Sidebar: Does Balfour remind you of the guy who’s married to Jennie Garth and plays the dad in the Twilight movies? I think of them like the same person.)

Anyway, Balfour decides they can’t survive in the apartment (DUH) because there’s no water and they’re going crazy and (inexplicable moment) the blinds won’t stay down forever. Wha??? Turk’s lady and Hispanic Lisp Guy are pretty committed to staying in the apartment forever but Balfour tells his lady to trust him and they make their way to the roof where they signal to some soldiers who basically ignore them because WWIII is going on. They have some fights with an alien and Balfour gets injured and it’s all very dramatic in an undramatic, terrible, LOL way.

Meanwhile, back in the apartment, the blonde lady dies at some point, in a manner that is entirely unforgettable involving a stroll into the light. The Hispanic Lisp Guy who can’t keep the windows covered through a pathetic confluence of events decides to make his last stand by turning on all the gas in the apartment. The water doesn’t work, and there’s no electricity buuuut the gas is a-okay. He tries to light a cigarette and of course the lighter doesn’t work. An alien thing breaks through the glass and there’s more action sequencing and finally HIspanic Lisp Guy manages to grab the lighter, actually light it, and blow himself into a million little pieces. It’s kind of a relief. He was terrible to watch.

Back on the roof, Balfour and his lady have given up hope. They really have nowhere to go and Balfour can’t move. He begs his lady to leave him but she’s a ride or die chick. She says she won’t leave. She holds him in her arms and soon they’re sucked into the bowels of the spaceship hovering above them. What’s really romantic though is that they totes make out while they’re flying up into the unknown. LOVE STORY.

In the space ship, these creature/machine things start sucking brains out of people but the machine hears the two heartbeats in the Balfour’s lady’s belly so she gets sent to a special chamber because pregnant women are magic. Just before that we see Balfour’s brain, such as it were, being sucked out and it glows red so as to distinguish itself from all the other brains in the world which are blue. Subtle. I think my brain is pink, just FYI. In the new chamber, Balfour’s lady is shaking and calmly freaking out. This alien creature puts his gross hand claw situation on her belly and then he runs his claw down her face (see earlier reference) and she says, “Balfour,” and this other alien tries to attack her and Balfour totally pulls a Mortal Kombat on that thing and destroys him and then he gets all protective in front of his lady and slams his creepy alien fist into the ground.  It was such an unexpected and smart ending and twist I decided this movie is WAY better than people are going to give it credit for.** Given the quality of the ending which I think is pretty original, you have to wonder what went wrong with this movie. There’s clearly some thinking going on at some point in the production process but so much of this movie was such a hot mess that I am baffled. You want to see this movie. It is just the best. I love it so hard.

To recap:  the black guy dies mostly from a broken heart because JD isn’t around, nor are Carla and the kids.

*A sitcom with a mostly black cast, about football players, most of you racists have never heard of. It used to be on the CW and will be on BET starting soon I think.

**I hope they make a sequel. I would give a portion of my left kidney to be able to participate in the making of the sequel.